Surrender. Accept. Live.

April 28

First week of climbing up to camp III~ With a few cruxes on the camp II route. I may have pushed it a little hard with the extra energy I was feeling, and me guts are a little funny again. Getting back on track with the rest no stress days this week and no more shadubie pants, phew!

Interesting emotions with the transition of the spring season…a rebirth from the winter. With the low energy levels, I am reminded that I’m not able to just fill a backpack with climbing gear and head out for a big day. Much like an injury, the level of activity is limited, but then remind myself to be grateful that I actually I get to experience mini hikes and alive to appreciate this beautiful life. On cruise control. Road unknown.

Since getting the news of my diagnosis in January, I only had one moment in time where I was feeling sorry for myself and wanted out~ In the Foots Hospital, I had not eaten in three days (due to the colonoscopies and other tests) they had me on an IV drip for food. Stress, lacko sleep and not knowing what my life was going to look like, I had a full day of poking and prodding, tests galore, and after my MRI, sitting in a wheelchair, wrapped in warm blankets waiting for my porter to take me back to my room to prep for colonoscopy #2, I just wanted to escape, crawl into my own bed, eat and sleep. But as any big climbing day has taught me; cold storms, running out of food and water, 18 hours car to car, I made it and still had fun. I learned how to mentally survive the elements thrown at me with a positive attitude…’you got this Tracy’ I told myself…’there maybe more days like this, and you got this’. From that moment on, I have not felt worry or stress about the illness.

PictureTracy personal 003

To me, suffering is not accepting what is. I can surrender to the circumstances out of my control and make the best of it, or can curl up in a ball and wish it was different. I can miss the life I used to have, or I can appreciate the wonderful things that have come my way from this new journey. I no longer welcome meaningless distractions as I know how precious time is.

I have a camp and a half to climb yet before the assessment to see if the load is lighter as I climb on (MRI and CT booked for end of May). I can be worried that the alien bum baby may not have shrunk or has spread, or I can be relieved that RIGHT NOW I have no more pain, I am sleeping through the night, I am not bleeding anymore and no more poopie pants. I get to hike up what use to be a little walk and enjoy it in a different way, fully appreciating what I can do~I said at the beginning of 2018, I want to savor the flavors of life’s wine more, well careful what you ask for, cuz the universe is kind but not merciful. I am here. I am now. All that is. All that matters. xox

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