Healing the Body

I would also like to call this book ‘how to prevent cancer’. Lots of important information *A MUST READ.

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When in urgent care yesterday, the doctor (whom I’ve never met before) walked into my room and looked at me with a scared reaction. She asked me ‘you’ve had colorectal cancer?’. She proceeded to ask me about my symptoms and how I got diagnosed. It scared her as I am so young and don’t fit the profile. She said ‘that makes me want to get a full body CT scan ASAP’.

It’s not uncommon for young people to have big cancers these days. I do feel as though many of the cancer cells out there have thrived and multiplied due to our lifestyles and diet.

Yes, I’ve been super healthy all of my life until this point, but I can’t blamed my cancer totally on random. Colorectal / colon cancers are inflammatory ones. When I look at my life over the past 10 years, I’ve had many adventurous, fun and happy times, though have carried many stresses with that too. Running a business over the past 3 years, I put 90% of my energy into it and the (good and bad) stresses increased ten fold. My eating habits become more about convenience and I wasn’t taking care of my body as much as I had been.

Don’t get me wrong, in no way do I beat myself up over this. That will not serve my present situation. I got real fuckin honest with myself, made some changes, and stepped forward with great and wonderful integrity. Sure it’s much easier to just eat anything the belly desires, to put off an exercise day, but there are consequences to that. I want to help my body heal and survive.

I have spent most of my life trying to be in control of it. I’ve been too afraid to surrender or fully let someone into my heart and truly connect, so I kept peeps at a distance and dealt with life on my own. If I trusted or empowered anyone around me, I felt out of control. Though at the same time would hold in how I really felt to avoid any conflict. That emotion stored away for another day. That was the old Tracy. The NEW TRACY has stepped forward into vulnerability, because I have been forced to. It’s sometimes scary, and my old patterns arise. I feel like swimming back to the shore and pulling myself out of the vulnerable lake, but I know that doesn’t serve me or anyone in my life. I am so grateful for this new practice! I feel so much more love coming in when I’m open and receive, sometimes taking my breath away, but man it feels good!! I celebrate and love empowering others around me because I get to see who they really are, not the made up person in my mind where I judge them to keep them at bay. I let people in and they hold me up. We take care of each other and that is love, that is life.

I don’t want to hold shit in anymore. The backpacks of crap have gotten too heavy over the years and I am done carrying them. They don’t help me, only slow me down and tire me out. Moving forward I am shining with my true self.  Not who people want me to be to make them more comfortable, what I used to do. Some may like me and some may not agree, but hey, that’s so okay, my fellow tribal members are the ones I want to spend my time with on this earth anyway.

We all have fears and stresses, we all crave love and happiness, lets stop getting in our own way and swim in that vulnerability lake together. What joy!~

Traded my Prada in for a Knockoff

Note #1 to Self *Do not step on my catheter tube when standing up, 2 times. Ouch is right! I didn’t manage to pull it out but created some pain and leaks which prompted a visit to the ER. Eight hours later I was refitted with a new one. The nurse didn’t manage to tighten the hoses properly so at about 3am back at home, I woke in a puddle of pee. When was the last time you peed the bed?:)

Why the Prada bag?: Bladders in women tend to buddy up with the uterus and lean on it. When the uterus is extracted the bladder gets sad and may decide to take a vacation. Hence, sent home with a temp catheter.

LIFE OF BAGS: living with a temp stoma and pee bag is interesting to say the least. HAPPY the cancer was cut out and my body is healing quickly, though the bag situation is humbling.

Note #2 to Self *Don’t put a heating pad on belly over the stoma bag (with wax adhesive). Melt and leak city. Pooping on the belly and a big clean. I must say it’s super interesting to have your bum on your belly. You get to know which foods your small intestine likes and dislikes very quickly. Also strange to have a bum vacation. The small intestine dumps directly into the stoma bag bypasssing the colon. So my bum is just there, hanging out, quiet.

I want to create a clothing line for people dealing with; bags, tubes, IVs, ports, casts, etc. I have used my creativity to make warm clothing work but had to cut and alter a few things to make outfits. Researching online, there really isn’t anything out there. When one is sick or healing, you want to be cozy, warm and look good. Clinics, hospitals etc are cold and especially loosing so much weight, it’s hard to keep warm. Anyway, an idea on the burners.

THANK YOU ALL for your support! It helps me so! I’m getting a little stronger every day hanging at my mama’s and 2x Vit C IVs per week are helping a lot. I’m still a skinny mini but eating as much as my little belly can take. With spring coming, it is motivating to build up my strength for some hikes and rock climbing this summer. Miss the mtns so. xxoo

Surgery a Success!

Day 4 out of the hospital, I’m feeling stronger everyday and the 20Ibs lost are slowly coming back on. My sleeps… oh how wonderful and deep! Not to mention entering crazy dream land again! In lieu of the Oscars tonight, I had a dream last night I was heading to a pre-Oscar brunch with my dear friend Dianne Keaton. A hot sunny day as we walked the busy street in LA to a beautiful patio restaurant full of celebs who were nominated. I realized I was in bare feet, a hospital gown (with the back exposing my bare butt) as I carried my large catheter bag like a Prada purse and surprisingly, I didn’t care. Though needed a place to hang it and found a baby carriage next to my table with a hook to hang it (baby was sleeping and didn’t mind). We sat down to eat and all was well. As I stood up to leave, I realized my stoma (poop bag) was full (a real thing after eating). So truth; if you’ve ever had or know of someone who has a ileostomy bag, they get heavy and pull down. We are given a ‘Jock’ strap to hold it in place, though still oddly heavy and wearing a hospital gown, naked underneath, the support is minimal. So I managed to stand up hold my stoma bag like a ball sack, grabbed my Prada pee bag and made my way to the toilet. Again not really caring. ⭐️Point of the dream story; when you’ve been through bum cancer, who gives a shit! Just be who you want to be and put it all out there for all to see. Also, I know what the fellas must feel like without good brief support 😜

Resistance and Having Control as a Patient ~

This has been the biggest challenge for me throughout my cancer journey. When you take your health into your own hands, it’s hard to work with the resistance of others, professional or civilians who don’t understand your choices.

I can’t tell you how many times I have read off my list of vitamin supplements, diet change, acupuncture, and naturopath treatments to a western nurse or doc and had a ‘deer in the headlights response’ followed by resistance. Like I am cheating on them. The first week of hyperthermia and vit C treatments (only 2xs) took away my pain, no more bleeding and tumor shrunk. Of course, the chemo helped with that, however, I don’t discount the immunity support my body needed to deal with everything.

Yes, I do understand the position western doctors are in when a flood of patients are coming to them after seeing alternative healers. Some of the healers out there are just pill pushers and not the real thing, but there are a hand-full of legit practitioners who are dedicated to supporting a patient through the healing and are open to the western in parallel with alternative treatments. Western medicine is learned a certain way and eastern or alternative ways (some thousands of years old), are practiced as well, having much success on their own or together.

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THE MOST IMPORTANT, when told the words ‘you have cancer’ or any illness you are faced with, mental or physical, is to FIRST AND FOR-MOST listen to your body, your heart. Our bodies are truly amazing and can heal a lot on their own if given the support it needs. I remember back in the day when I was a child and would get a bad cold or flu, the script pad would come out and my body flooding with antibiotics. Today, doctors are better at natural remedies; hot drinks, rest and it will soon pass. On a more serious note, it’s easy to fall at your knees when going through a challenge, the unknown and uncertainty can be scary. You may feel a dark cloud has consumed your every breath, and your path of life has shortened or no longer the way you thought it would go. Impermanence is knocking at your door… BUT I am here to tell you that doesn’t need to be the case. YOU have the choice to make your own diagnosis. Any doctor telling you that you only have a certain time to live is wrong, a curse. Seriously, they are only going off of stats and those stats can be different for your outcome. Some docs are better with the delivery of your situation than others, but that should be left up to you. Just deal with the task and hand and see.  So many people I have met in the past year going through natural treatments after their doctors gave up on them and sent them home to die, but here they are, years later, doing better. Meaning; if you choose to give up and that you are done with your life, that is your choice and so be it. However, you also have a choice to continue to experience this amazing thing called life and to make it as comfortable as possible for yourself, even healing yourself.

For OUR BODIES to HEAL we need to support it EVERYDAY. Sure, I would love to have the freedom to eat a big bag of potato chips or a big bowl of pasta. To eat freshly baked breads, meat, cheeses, alcohol, not worry about organic etc, I hate restrictions, but my body will suffer in the processing of these things, and my body wants to heal, so I must support it the best I can to live a long healthy life. I was healthy in my life, and tried to eat well, but wasn’t always listening to my body and work-stresses combined with diet (eating on the go)  didn’t help with the cells, which grew into a tumor. It took hearing the colorectal cancer spread to my lungs to truly, radically change my diet. INTEGRITY is key with wanting to live healthy and long. This goes without saying, you are the only one who can make this decision and do it.

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As for western support, I ask questions and challenge the system to get answers on how I can integrate the natural and western and get the best chances of healing and surviving. It’s not easy being your own advocate, giving in to radiation and chemo was the hardest, was it the best?…time will tell, but I knew I could balance out the toxins with alternative immunity support treatments.

So, at the end of the day, you are ultimately the decision maker. You have control over healing your body, or not and keeping it healthy. You may need a little support from outside treatments, so make sure you support your body with the good stuff too. WISHING YOU ALL LOVE AND HEALTH xxoo

SUMMIT BID ON!! ~ Ama DaBum Expedition

Surgery Planned *as for the non-climbers, see translation below;)

Good news and bad news from basecamp: Scans taken of the summit route were reviewed by my expedition leaders last week and I received a call from the sun doctor (RT) on Thursday, he said the good news was that the colorectal route had shrunk a bit, in addition to stability of the surrounding rocks (nodes). Not as much as they had hoped, but still a good sign of stability in the hazardous terrain. Though a kicker moment as talk of an Annaperlung Expedition is now on the table. The 3 lung spots have grown a bit, possibly avalanche debris from Ama Dabum. After reviewing the scans of the planned summit route, my two expedition leaders Scottie (oncologist) and Buie (surgeon) arm wrestled and Buie won. Weather looks good enough to go for the summit bid on Ama Dabum and after I recover from the climb (approx 5-7 weeks) we will plan for an Annaperlung Expedition.

When on a cancer journey, strap yourself in for the rollercoaster ride of your life! Its been exactly one year since my diagnosis…Initially planned for just 3 rounds of chemo, surgery, and surgery, but as anyone knows the journey through an illness or even life, it doesn’t usually go as planned. So a year later, the colorectal tumor has shrunk in half +, the lymph nodes surrounding have also shrunk, but it looks as though my alien bum tumor had some babies in my lungs. There are 3 posts in the right lobe and 1 on the left. They are small but have changed, a bit bigger. Lung tumors are usually slow growing so they want to tackle the bum baby first, then possibly chemo or another treatment on lungs after. Fuck!

**Swearing** comes from a different learning sector of the brain, when stroke patients aren’t able to talk, they can actually sometimes still swear. They have proven swearing increases your pain tolerance. ~ Cool research and it’s how I let out my emotions;)

How one takes this news and digests it?

Oh shit balls! I write this hearing the news of my scans just today (Thursday Jan 10th) via tele. I write it when it’s still raw to share in the process of this journey, without any edits.

We all live our lives knowing that one day we are going to die. When you are given the news that it could be shortened, HOLY SHIT enters my mind. So much life to live and things I want to see and do, mountains I want to climb, movies I want to make, people I want to spend more time with and the reality of the MOST important things in life are VERY VERY clear.

I remember the day I heard the news about our beautiful and amazing Carlyle who wasn’t coming back from South America, that she had been killed in a climbing accident. I was in a part of my meditation program where I was able to sit in the shock from the news and then stand back to observe what my emotions were about to do. What feelings came up and what they meant. Yes, losing someone close to you or even a stranger you read about in the news, always brings rise to the impermanence of our lives and how fragile we really are. What also came up for me was not being able to see her again. How the end of life seemed so permanent, empty. But I would have moments of just feeling her in my heart, and then felt a sense of peace.

I know I have the tools to fight this battle. I am gearing up for the big fight with a 5-6 hour surgery that will take out the mother fucker alien. They will also have to pull chunks of my colon, small intestine and possibly my uterus where it has attached to (did you know that once parts of your body are removed in surgery the hospital owns it, sometimes for study and research) Like I’d want to take it home.
Reconnecting the dots, they hope the tissue is strong enough so that I can have a working bum, but if it needs a break, they will give me an ostomy or colostomy bag for temp until healed then reattached in 4-6 months. If they don’t think it will be strong enough, I will live with a bag. Not a bad trade off for having a life.

So, finally I’m in the planning stages for the summit bid of Ama DaBum! We will watch the weather and it looks good over the next week or so. I will get a call for the planned date. We will then pack up and go for the top of the mountain!! While I wait, I will prep my body with exercise, good food, and no stress. Over the next week or so, I will be quarantined a bit as not to catch anything. I am both excited and nervous, but feeling very strong and good to go!!! Thank you Sherpa support team!! LETS DO THIS!! xxoo

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Farewell 2018 ~

GRATITUDE!! I have been reflecting a lot on life over the past few weeks during my screen time disconnect. AMAZING how the internet; social media and screen time in general distracts and fills the mind with stuff. The couple of times I went back on I felt anxiety. More clarity and reconnection happens when I spend time doing NOTHING, just BEing. Sometimes its peaceful and others, it is though the emotions and stuff I have on a shelf, tucked away in that little dark corner, has time to surface and release. WOW! It is a powerful time right now~full moon, winter solstice, the Christmas planning. The energy is a little crazy righ now. Let go and enjoy the ride!

I want to say how much I am so grateful for all of you! YES YOU! This year has been one for the record books, and it wouldn’t have felt as smooth without you all! The stress that can muster up either it be fear of the unknown, financial, or what if’s are a clusterfuck of emotions I didn’t really have to deal with thanks to you all. REALLY and TRULY, you all mean so much to me and I hold you all so dear in my heart.

I WISH FOR YOU ALL A WONDERFUL AND PEACEFUL HOLIDAY. To have a life free from fear and pain, to be surrounded by love and compassion, and time living kindness to yourselves and others. If one thing this journey has slapped me in the face with; we are only here for a short time, impermanence is a guarantee for all of us at some point along the way. Those we love will not be here forever, so put down those phones and tablets and spend some good quality time with others. LOVE THEM AND HOLD THEM CLOSE. That’s all that matters. NOTHING ELSE just Love and Kindness. HUGS AND MISTLETOE KISSES TO ALL. xxoo

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Back Down at Basecamp

It was a fast journey climbing through the death zone. Five weeks of radiation and TX, in addition to hyperthermia treatments done! Now I rest at basecamp with warm food, hot tea and sleep. I will allow my body to heal before going for the summit bid (surgery). No date set yet. Scans first which will happen in the next 4-5 weeks. I won’t lie, it was the toughest part of the climb so far physically and mentally. But this body is doing it and my mountaineering brain is trained to push through. #gratitude #loveandsupport #onestepatatime #fuckcancer #healingtime

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